Originally Posted Oct 17, 2005

Okay, so I've been at the computer for the past hour, my dad can't find any interesting to watch on TV (surprise, surprise) so we've had the Tyra Banks talk show on, and I have to say...it's honestly one of the painful things I have had to experience in regards to Tyra Banks or talk shows in general, that includes views of larger ladies showing their bulk on Jerry Springer. Today was the "Singles Makeover" show, where they makeover newly single ladies, listen to their sob story of why they're single and then set them up with a hot guy (who may or may not be an asshole, how do they check for these things?) and send them on their awkward and forced-smile way. I don't know what it is about Tyra, she's just so horribly, horribly awkward, like she's trying to be Oprah, but she just never will be. She even has copied some "Oprah-isms" like yelling out WOO-OO continuously, as the crowd welcomes the newest sad little guest, who is trying their best not to cry with every jabbing question from Tyra about the trifling dirtbags. Then there's Tyra's "I'm so cute as I run/hop from place to place thrashing my elephantine breasts that could take out the makeup artist, the clothing stylist AND the hair dresser."

The fact that this woman has gone beyond America's Next Top Model and has crossed over into talk show host territory and is just appearing generally in all my magazines and in television ads make me want to scratch my eyes out and fill my ears with wax. I will refuse to put back my eyes and drain the wax until a reliable source tells me hat she has dissapated into has-been model history.

Tyra:
-Sonagram of your breasts to show they're real on your show? Not cool, most of us don't care if you have proof they're real or not, they're huge and fall weird when you lay down, we still think they're fake
-You haven't modeled in how long? Showing off your belly flab is not a form of street-cred, it just shows that you're semi-human, but I still think you may eat my brain.
-Victoria Secret ads don't count, everyone from Cindy Crawford to Aisha Tyler has admitted to the wonders of airbrushing, so until I see you jiggling your stuff on a runway, you are set at status

Yes, I'm evil, I'm moody and cranky. At least I'm not as scary as Tyra when she got angry on Top Model. I clapped my hands with glee at the thought of her losing her cool, but almost peed my pants at vision of her unhinged self. Thank goodness the hour has passed and something non-brain scraping is now on.

Oh and some other people that piss me off:

Naiomi Campbell - You're fake on Oprah, Good Morning America and on the runway, there is not a real attribute to your personality, and when I see you talking to anyone on television live, it makes me cringe.

Hilary & Hailey Duff - Go away, please. My only wish is that you and your freakishly large teeth fade into obscurity and that your songs are never played on the air ever again.

Tom Cruise - Reading the doctrine of scientology scared me, like I say to any dogma-spewing religious freak - stop pushing your shit on other people, if they wanted to join your religion, they're look it up on google and join themselves. And what's this shit about silent birth? If I'm going to scream and yell in pain from a huge skull pushing itself through my cervix, I'm gonna fucking do that, the "sound trauma" thing I'm not believing, because I'm sure this fetus can SO hear me swearing and bitching throughout my whole pregnancy, so it should be fine hearing me scream bloody murder as is shreds my genitals. I'm warning any scientologist worldwide, you come near me and I'll rip you a new one.

Did I offend you in any shape or form with this blog post? If I have, you can bite me.