So, I am a worrier. I am actually worse than a worrier, I am a hormonal, female, guilt-ridden worrier (note: I am saying worrier, not warrior, far less cool and more likely to die an early death.)
I honestly worry about the smallest and most insignificant things. I will make lists to make sure I don't forget important tasks, because I am so absent-minded from worrying that I usually forget important things I need to do, like deposit money in my account, or do schoolwork.
When I forget said simple tasks that really are part of my daily life, I worry more. From family, to love, to living situation, to school, I am hopping from one worry paver to another on the street of my life.
W has -short of shaking it into me- told me to basically live my life in the now, worry about tomorrow, not next year, worry about an hour from now, not next week. This usually works for about two minutes after he's said this, then I'm back to my old tricks of worrying about what I'm going to do for my thesis, and if his sister likes me or not.
The thesis thing is actually pretty valid, because for it I have to find an existing building or site and work on it for a year. Sounds simple enough, except that I'm
working on it for a year. I am very good at burning out on a project fast. Last semester I had a class in which we worked on conceptual projects for three or four weeks at a time. We did a home office (1 week), a freestanding exhibit (3 weeks), a home remodel (3 weeks), a b&b/resort spa (4 weeks) and a store window (2 weeks). Every single time I was burned out before the project was done, I basically stopped caring and did enough to get me by. Luckily in these cases I did the bulk of the work in the beginning so I really was formatting and drawing perspective (ack) towards the end. I'll post pictures of them at some point, now that I'm done with that class, but that's for later tonight. Or tomorrow, if I remember and if I stop worrying long enough to actually do it.
Huh. Right. Thesis.
So, I'm trying to think of a project that I can work on for a year, not have to do massive amounts of architecture, but is still big enough that the board will approve me working on it. Maybe a museum/hotel/city square thing. I've considered doing a meditation center that exists in North Fork, but the whole "site owners not wanting to contact me" thing is kind of getting in the way. Also, I need to not want to stab myself in the face after three months because I'm sick of working on it. I wonder if it's healthy to want to stab myself in the face, hand or foot when I'm stressed, I tend to think that when I'm at the brink, but of course I never actually consider doing it, I'm stressed, but I know and hate pain (hellooo, why the lack of piercings and tattoos), but the thought is there, maybe I need to go to counselor, I think I've scared W once or twice with talk like that.
Uh. Right. Worrying.
So I worry alot, which kind of starts a snowballing in my mind (I'm worried, then I'm worried about worrying, then I'm worried about people finding out that I'm worried, kind of a Who's on first style situation), and then I'm basically two worries away from an anxiety attack. Many-a-time I have called W in a panic, crying because I haven't gotten my I-20 signed, or I forgot to do a part of an assignment, or I cut myself with my x-acto by accident and I'm bleeding all over my materials boards (okay, that hasn't happened, but it could, yet another worry, I'll be sure to wear gloves the next time I need to cut anything), and W's the sweetest and tells me that everything is okay, that I'm fine, I'll get it done like I always do, and that he really can't do anything about it, and how he wish I wouldn't worry so much, and after some time I'm usually fine, get the thing done and I've moved onto my next worry.
This is why I don't go outside whenever possible, there's too much out there that could be bad, bad, bad. Plus, it's cold, I'll spend money, and I like wearing my pajamas.
So yeeeeeeees (said in Simpson's maitre'd voice), I'm kind of in a big pot-hole sized rut because I've been living in San Francisco for, oh, six months now and I've yet to really explore. Today was the first time I ever went to Castro district, I didn't even wander there on my own, my sister and brother in law had to go and I was just along for the ride. To understate it, it's CUTE. Lots of little stores all next to each other, tons of eateries, cute dogs and pedestrians. Now although I have stated I'm not a fan of pedestrians, mostly the thronging tourist let-me-get-in-your-way-and-dawdle-in-the-middle-of-the-steep-uphill-sidewalk kind, I'm also not a fan of the deserted risk-of-tumbleweeding streets that are also found around SF. Luckily I don't live too far from Castro, so it's pretty easy for me to get there and it's better shopping than the Mission.
But my main point, I've been living in SF for six months and this was the
first time I went to Castro. Hello-o, SF is apparently gay town, and during the pride parade weekend they had a whole special on PBS (yes PBS, I love education and Lawrence Welk, fuck you) dedicated to how the Castro district came to be. So if I were to say that Castro is kind of important here, I'm risking being hit with the "duh" stick.
Since I've been in SF I have ventured (on my own accord) to: Union Square (barf, but shopping), Pier 39 (barf, but school), the admin & library building on Mission & New Montgomery, past the Transamerica pyramid (on the bus), Dolores park, Potrero hill and up and down Van Ness.
Places I
haven't been to, either because I'm too lazy, it's too crowded, or I have no reason to go there except to go there: China town (I've been on visits, but not since moving, all I remember is lots of tourist and uphill walking), North Beach (I love Italian food, but where the hell can I just plop down and start walking around? More research is required), Golden Gate park, and every other neighborhood that I didn't list in the above paragraph. I mean, I haven't even been to Fisherman's Wharf, and that five minutes away from my school building.
So what is wrong with me, I mean, since high school I haven't really been able to "mingle" with people, at Fresno State I pretty much kept to myself except for a few people, I didn't drink, smoke or party, I don't have hobbies (besides sleeping and lazing around in my pajamas), so I'm left with the people that I meet at random (whom I love dearly, remember that). I'm not quite sure why I'm so anti-social when it comes to people, I do like having friends, and being around people, but I feel like I have so much to do, and not enough time and energy to spend on maintaining relationships. And then it turns out I do have the time, and I just over thought what I had to do over what I wanted to do.
So it all comes back to worrying. My sense of worrying keeps me from actually living my life, I think way too much for my own good, and that's not only affecting my existing relationships, but potential relationships as well. Also, I have this inane idea that when I meet someone I'm going to be friends with, I'll "know" and it'll just "click". But I'm starting to realise that I need to invest something, time, emotions, awareness, before any clicking can take place.
Huh. So I guess I learned something while pouring my heart out today, I've gotta get in there and start actively making friends. Or risk living the next two years without any. So I've unwittingly figured out my new year's resolution. Make friends.
Good night.
And the first shot I've ever gotten of her tongue out! I'm hoping to get one of the top, so you can see the little crazy cat cilia!
